Why Do We Fall In Love With Those We Fall In Love With?

You see someone who’s a good guy, and he’s flirting you, but you’re not interested.

It is also the other one, who is more mysterious and does not give you meaning. For him, your heart beats loudly. Why is this happening;

If we think a little of the classic advice “make it difficult (make it difficult) if you want to win it” normally it should not be effective.

What he implies is that you do not give him/her what he wants to make him want you more. But why not give me what I want to make him more desirable in my eyes?

The theory

The explanation is, in my opinion, related to the way we grow older and how we subconsciously interpret a relationship of love.

There are many theories from neurobiological to psychoanalytic about what exactly happens in these early years of our lives.

In the subject of human relations, the simplest to understand is, I believe, the theory described by Alice Miller (“Our childhood prisons”).

Miller argues that the child interprets the first relationship with his parents as the model of a love relationship.

In simple words what the parent does to the child, as well as being treated, this behavior is recorded in the child as love.

For example, if the parent often hits the child, the child is very likely to interpret that being hit or beating is love subconsciously.

If her parent often shouts, the child will have a private instruction saying that crying to my partner or yelling to him/her means to love him/her loves me.

If the parent respects and supports it, the child will have a subconscious instruction that says that supporting and respecting my partner or respecting and supporting me equates to love.

As a result, when he becomes an adult, when the time comes to create his relationship, the unconscious directive will come into operation telling him when he has found the perfect companion.

The criterion will be the partner that causes him the same feelings as he had lived when he was a toddler since these emotions are coded as love/interest / emotional proximity within him.

Even if the conscious mind (that is, the person itself) says that what I do not like is what I experience, the internal directive, I hate it, is stronger and dominates the shaping of choice.

In that case

Why, then, is it so frequent to fall in love with difficult, forbidden situations that contain a distance? What are these conditions common with the childhood of most people?

In my opinion, most children have grown up with parents who are fighting (with varying degrees of intensity) to be “better” kids, whatever that means.

We all have heard from our parents’ remarks (you do not do it right), comparisons with other children (look, Katerina does it much better), reprimands (but you are never good enough) and/or physical violence sometimes.

Though the levels of severity and the methods of education differ in each family, all of us have denied the extra ice cream we wanted, the game we liked, the extra hour awake because it had gone slowly and had to sleep.

In the context of learning to discipline so that we can cope with the needs of society afterward, each of us has experienced to a lesser or greater degree as a child the annulment of his desires.

The emotional distance we experienced as children when our desires were not fulfilled has been codified by many of us as a model of love.

That is, we fall in love with relationships that create feelings of non-emotional fulfillment. We have no choice!


We could say that we are addicted to a relationship rather than to one type of person.

This “addiction” is the recurring manifestation of our internal programming. We want to make it difficult for us to enjoy.

We do not control it. A feeling is born regardless of our will.

As long as this mechanism remains out of our consciousness, it will determine our fellow choices, ensuring an endless alternation of the same situations.

By knowing ourselves better, we can break the bonds of the past and be released. Create the relationship we deserve!


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